Thursday, 17 November 2016

Present Day

I know my blog has been somewhat silent for the passed few weeks and I can blame my uni for it, with all the exams and deadlines. But honestly I just didn't feel like writing about fairy tales due to all the awful stuff that's going on in the world right now. As an early teen (13 to 16-years-old, ish) I always said, nay screamed that I would never ever have children. This is something my parents and brothers still tease me with because I have since revised my statement on children. Now, 10 years later (dear .. I'm old), I finally understand why I felt that way (thank you therapy). Not only did I believe myself to be incapable of raising kids (properly), I also did not believe the world to be a safe place to bring anyone in to. As a 9-year-old I started having nightmares about my mom. She used to work night shifts at a gas-station and as a 9-year-old I started to grasp what this meant. It meant that my mom was working in an isolated environment, in the middle of the night, all by herself (mostly).

I did not like that image and it haunted me at night. I'd refuse to go to bed, or sit on the stairs listening to my parents talk, or sneak into bed with my brothers, because the thought of sleeping alone in the dark scared me due to what would happen once I was asleep; images of my mom being taken from us; the idea that my mom would go to work and wouldn't return. 9-year-old Alyssa was beginning to understand how the world worked and I did not like it (I just realised that this wasn't too long after 9/11.. I think I was on the verge of understand the immensity of and cruelness of the people). I started to have this obsessed view of life and death and how everything can be taken from you in matter of seconds. My parents, grandparents or brothers could die and just stop existing. 

But that wouldn't/won't happen, right? Fuck that, life's tough and almost nothing is certain. I could fall of the sidewalk and die, but the same could happen to my loved-ones. It's something I often think about when I cycle into the city and see some idiot on a bike ignoring a red light and barely escaping a car that did not see the cyclist coming. I imagine myself in that position. Going over the last things I said to the people I love. Was it clear that I loved them? Should I have said it more. But that was all just life.. you know nothing serious was going to happen, like the wars that happened in Europe in the beginning of the previous century? Because that would never happen to us now. We've learned from our mistakes (you see where I'm going with this..). 

But really.. did we move on? After the first and second world war, which had so little time between them. Anyone who knows me (or read my blog every once in a while) knows I am obsessed with Disney. Why? Because I desperately need to believe that life can be good and happy. That people can fall in love and have happy-endings. That it's not all difficult, sad.. that not everything just stops or ends in misery. This is what keeps me up at night. All the troubles of the world. The images of hungry kinds in third world countries. People being shot for reasons I don't understand. People going off the war and planes flying into buildings. I mean people can be good, right? Because nobody is born with hate in their hearts.. we are all just innocent kids at one point..

It does not seem to have gotten better.. No matter how hard a few people seem to be fighting for people's.. equality and love, it doesn't seem like any of it matters. I live in a bubble of love. I have loving people around me, who support me and urge me to study hard so I can achieve things in life. But what am I working for? I want to finish uni as soon as possible.. so I can start working .. so I can ultimately buy a house and start a family. That's the plan. Finding a job I could love doing, a place to I could love to live in and a man who could love me for the rest of my life and have kids who I'd love with everything I have. But right now I don't know.. that plan can only work if the world is a safe place. I thought we were closing the divisions in humanity but recently I just feel like we're creating more and more gaps. I guess what I'm saying is.. I'm back to 10 years ago, a scared little girl who holds her heart hoping my loved-ones will be safe.. hoping there won't be another war that could put those I love in harms way. 

I will start writing about fairy-tales and adaptations again, next week. Probably starting with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There. Followed (possibly) by Peter Pan.

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