Saturday, 22 October 2016

Anti-depressants

Made by Plo•0p
I feel like talking about my meds is the obvious next step in talking about my issues. Previously I have talked about my dark period and how I came out of it, but now I want to talk about what my meds are doing for me. For me it's all part of the big idea that we should be able to talk about our mental issues, the same as we talk about our physical issues. I broke my arm once, why should my mental issues be less of a struggle? Especially in the eyes of my university. My arm healed so easily. I realise it's not that way with ever physical issue, they can be tough and a lot of hard work, but so can mental issues.

Anyways, first off, when I was first given the meds I was so scared. The instructions are intense, especially when you realise that when taken with alcohol or other kinds of sedatives it can be fatal if you take more than the subscribed amount. I could overdose on these pills. That felt like an awful lot of responsibility.. put into a girl dealing with mental problems, which is why I told my boyfriend everything about them. We read the instructions together, the side-effects, everything. And whenever I received more than a box at once, I gave him one of them so that there would never be too much of them in one place (it was also convenient because I stay over at his place a lot). It was very scary in the beginning, but after a few weeks I realised that there was no need for me to be scared. Not only because the meds were helping me but because I realised that if I wanted to use them for the wrong reasons, I would never have gotten them in the first place.

I take my meds half an hour before going to sleep, as instructed. They help me fall asleep and when I wake up I'm in a much better mood. Not only because I had a good night of sleep (which was never easy to come by for me, I've had issues with sleep for as long as I can remember), but the meds help me filter out all the clutter in my mind. Most of the unnecessary worrying is filtered out. This means that during the night I sleep like a baby, and during the day it's a lot easier for me to concentrate on the things that need to be done (like school work, cooking (more specifically, remembering to eat something) or other things). 

Obviously not all anti-depressant work the same, and who am I to say that they work at all? Maybe it's just a placebo I think is helping me but it is actually not helping me at all? The funny thing about that would be that it is in fact helping me. I sleep and I can work on my stuff for school, so whether or not the meds are actually real, it does not matter because right now they make my days a lot easier. However, there are side-effects, one of which anyone who knows me will see without (maybe) realising why. Namely that these meds make me fat. Not only do I gain a lot of weight, due to my meds, I also have an uncontrollable hunger for food. Since starting the meds I've seen the effect it has on my body and how I can do almost nothing about it. It doesn't really matter what I eat or how much I eat, I will gain weight. That's simply what happens while taking these meds. I told myself from the beginning that it's a necessary measure and thus something I will have to solve after I stop taking these meds. But it's getting out of control. I don't fit into (most) my clothes anymore, not even the clothes I was wearing when I was a tat fatter a few years ago.

I see it as a test. I can either let it put me back into my 'bad' behaviour, or I  can fight it and tell myself it's not my fault. It's the meds, and it will go away when they do. But it's really hard to keep telling myself that whenever I wake up and look at my body or face in the mirror. It's testing my ability to deal with my issues on my own. For now, the good things out weigh the bad things about these meds (pun intended haha). It helps to have a loving and supportive boyfriend, who doesn't care about the extra weight that I've gained over the past few months.. even if it's up to about 10 kilo's.. (it's painful to say).

Before I end this blog entry, I want to say that I do not think medication solves everything. I'm taking them because they help me get through the day, but a lot of the meds out there are unnecessary (in my opinion) or do not out-weigh the bad side-effects. What do I mean? Well, I'm a camp leader, have been for a few years, on a camp for kids between 7-13 years of age, and some of them are taking meds for their ADHD. I understand why, on school days, those meds might be convenient.. but it's giving a child meds so they can be quiet in a classroom really the solution? Just because their behaviour is slightly different than the behaviour of 'most'  children, does that mean that it has to take repressive medication? Or does that just mean that these different kinds of groups of kids need a different form of education? I don't know. Just putting it out there. What do you think?

2 comments:

  1. <3 You are doing great, it will all get better you'll see - I'm so proud of you hon.

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