Wednesday, 11 May 2016

I cheated

We are all human. No matter how selfish, dumb, naive or blind you are, you are human and humans make mistakes. Not only is it normal, it is necessary to learn right from wrong. It's a topic we are currently discussing in one of my classes - Language Development Across the Lifespan - it is necessary  for us to make mistakes while we are learning a first or second language. It is one of the only ways to get proficient in a language. You need to practice and make mistakes while you are in the process of developing that particular language. However; some mistakes cannot be forgiven. Some mistakes are not the kind of mistakes that are necessary in the process of developing. Some mistakes will label you.

I have made mistakes because I am human, it is part of the process and I am supposed to forgive myself for being human. But I have made a bunch of unforgivable mistakes that hurt the people I care most about and when I wake up in the  morning its the first thing I see when I look in the mirror. I see betrayal, shame and disgust. It gets a little bit more unbearable to face myself everyday, knowing I will see the same things tomorrow and the day after that..

I cheated on my ex-boyfriend to make him hate me because I could not tell him why I really wanted to break up. I could not face telling him that 'the good no longer outweighed the bad'. That looking him the eyes didn't make me feel happy and forgiving towards myself, any more. Even if that is what his eyes still saw. The only thing I could see was my reflection in his eyes, he things I had done seeing the person I had become reflected back to me in his eyes. I couldn't be a normal person and confess that we had grown apart. That we had moved too fast. Moving in together while we were both still trying to figure out who we are ultimately killed us. We were barely even adults. I couldn't tell him that it caught up with me and that I realized it had. People always say you cannot love someone else before you love yourself. I was not ready  for such a serious relationship when we met each other, when we moved in together. I was young and stupid and I should have known better. But I couldn't tell him that because telling him we grew apart - that I grew apart from him.. I did not want to hurt him like that because it was not his fault.

So I cheated. I found a boy who was interested in me, who made me into a different person. A person who did not hurt the people she loved most. A person that wasn't me. So I let him kiss me. I let him touch me. Then I told the guy who really loved me about what I had done. I told him I cheated on him, that he deserved better and that I no longer wanted to be with him. Hoping he would hate me and would forget all about me because I couldn't face the reflection I saw everyday, any more. I caused him pain because I was not honest.

After we broke up I no longer had someone who looked at me with love and happiness. My disgusting reflection was the only thing that remained. Until another unfortunate soul found his way to me. He caught me at my darkest hour and I could not help let him take me, because when he looked at me there were no mistakes, no hurt. I had not done anything to him yet.

Now, almost a year and half later, I'm starting to get to that point again. The point where I realize that I will not start loving myself just because someone else does. I will end up hurting him too. I will break his heart because at some point I cannot bear what I have done to him any more. I won't be able to see a future with him any more because all I see is how awful I was. I cannot see how happy I make him because to me that isn't what is really happening: "He is just blinded by his love for me. He'll realize how awful I was/am after a while and then he'll be okay. He'll be better off without me. He'll find someone better. He deserves better."

What I'm trying to say is that I have made mistakes. I have done the unspeakable and hurt the people I love in ways no one should ever be hurt. I am to blame for what I did, no matter  the reason behind what I did. I did it. I cheated. There's no way around it. I'll carry it with me everyday as long as I live and I will hate myself for it, because you cannot forgive things like that. You cannot forgive hurting those that love you so much, even more than you do yourself. He had faith in me, he believed in me and I turned it around and turned it into the worst thing that I could possible do and broke his heart and there is no way it can be forgiven because I messed up. I did it. And I'm so sorry, I should have tried harder. I should have know better than trying to solve my problem with another problem. I should have told him the truth. I'm trying to get rid of my label "once a cheater, always a cheater" but it's hard because how can I learn to love myself if I hate what I did?

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be human but don't be this person. Think about what it would do to those who love you most. Don't be like me.

2 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie, I just want to give you a huge hug!! <3 It is definitely okay to make mistakes, just learn from them and find what you want in life. Don't stay with someone if you're unhappy. You deserve all the happiness life has to offer <3

    Rachel @ A Perfection Called Books

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    1. Hey Rachel (gosh I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you?), Thank you for saying that :) It's really sweet and it really means a lot to me.

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